Posted on July 10, 2014 on BuzzFeed.com
Dear Men, Never Shave Your Chest
It has come to my attention after browsing the internet and (obviously) frequenting locations where men take off their shirts in public that we are in the midst of an epidemic. If I had a siren to play all over the world, I would. It's a goddamn plague out there, guys. A pandemic! The strange thing about this specific outbreak is that we know exactly the cause: fucking razors.
Here's what is happening:
1. Men are buying razors.
2. Men are putting razors to their chest.
3. Men are shaving their chests.
4. Men are transforming into smooth-shaven puffy tweens.
This is a problem. It is a problem for a multitude of reasons, many of which are sanitary, I think, but mostly it's just about the aesthetic.
In an age of organics, I am completely baffled that we, as human beings, are straying away from the natural, and by the natural, I'm talking about shaving the natural-born hair on chests. It doesn't get more organic than that!
As our forefathers said when they got off the Niña, the Pinta, and the Santa María, "WE ARE HERE TO LIVE NATURAL, PURE LIVES."
A modern-day interpretation of that quote would assume they meant, "DO NOT SHAVE YOUR GODDAMN CHEST."
Chest hair just enhances photos. It brings guys to that next level.
I mean, some guys would be beyond basic without that little bit of hair. As they say on television, "The hair makes the man!"
I just want to say one more thing: Chest hair is really awesome because it's a literal style accessory.
Dear Men, Stop Shaving Your Pubes
Let's end this once and for all. Manscaping spread rapidly, almost like a deadly contagious virus. It seemed like men everywhere were trimming, plucking, and, most unfortunately, de-pubing.
Scary thing is, it continues to this day. Earlier, I delved into the horrors of chest shaving. Now, let me take a deeper dive. And by deeper dive, I mean pubes. It's time to stand up for the little guys (pubes). Save the pubes.
My campaign for pubes begins with the most obvious reason to keep them: There is something inherently humanly hot about a man with a natural body. In layman's terms, pubes are fucking hot.
Aesthetically speaking, they're also charming. They add character. They are nice.
Another crucial role of pubes is that they accent the package. And by package, I'm talking dick. It just works.
There's also science to back this up. Ever heard of pheromones? Sweet, sweet pheromones. From my completely unscientific understanding, pheromones are like sexual napalm. Sweet, sweet, sexual napalm.
It must also be mentioned that we are in the midst of an "ORGANIC REVOLUTION." All of our beauty products are natural, our food is natural, we fucking love natural. This is why our bodies should remain intact.
Lastly, and most importantly, there is nothing creepier than a man with a completely shaved crotch. You look like a puffy tween.
And I'll be damned if every man looked like a puffy tween. The injustice of it.
I also have to add that razor burn is real! Rawness DOES happen. This is not pleasant.
And I GET IT, some people trim. You can do whatever the fuck you want to do with your body. I'm just advocating for pubes. It's the right thing to do.
Value your pubes.
Keep your pubes.
Start a revolution and save your pubes.
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